zaterdag 18 april 2015
woensdag 18 maart 2015
A strong woman...
For years, my ex-husband told me that I was a strong woman, I could handle everything, physically, emotionally, and I have to admit when you hear that long enough or often enough, you start to believe it too. For years, I found myself a strong woman ... I was a strong woman ... I did everything myself, no help needed, let alone that I would ever ask for help ...
So, what is a strong woman?
For me, a strong woman was, by definition, someone who does not expose her feelings, she goes on, does not let setbacks get a hold of her, gets up when she has fallen and continues walking as if there is nothing to worry about. She takes matters into her own hands, makes important decisions herself, never asks for anything, never shows that things are tough. Not only does she never ask for help but refuses the help that she is offered, because, who needs that, right? It became a way of life for me, because not only my ex and my family but also my friends saw me like that. And I, even I believed it too. Yes, I was strong and I continued to be strong!
And I was really strong, I compared myself with others who were "weak". Women who were still pretending to be the little girl they once were, who always asked others for help, who could not do anything on their own, who were guided by their emotions, who only needed others to help them ... That was not me!
Although I must admit that sometimes I was a little jealous of those women, everyone pitied them, everyone always wanted to help them, and I had to do everything myself, or thought I had to do it myself. And for a long time I managed that, until now ...
For what is a strong woman?
Must I revise my definition of a strong woman? It is hard for me to admit that I'm not as strong as I thought, or have been forced to think. I have emotions, but I can’t show them. I must admit that I can’t do everything on my own, that many things are tough, I have to admit that I should be able to ask for help, not to abuse the offer of help, but that you should be able to do so if it is really necessary. The problem is, I can not do that, thanks to years of conditioning, years of hearing that you are strong, or strong enough.
Recent events in my life, however, force me to understand that I will have to change, that sometimes it is okay to be vulnerable, but it is not easy. It is difficult for me to accept help offered, let alone to ask for help, because then I need to put myself in a (in my eyes) vulnerable position and I become a "weak" woman. Then I have to admit that I'm not as strong as I thought all those years ... Do I want this?
Old habits die hard
Indeed, old habits are hard to break.
Not just the question: can I be vulnerable? But do I want to be vulnerable? And also relative to whom I am willing to do this. Intimate circle? Family? Friends or even further, acquaintances? How far can or should I go in this? And, can I really do this? And, if it were possible to me, then what’s in it for me? Will it make my life easier, or even more difficult?
I decided to consult the internet and seek what people think about the strong woman. I have to admit, no definition was satisfactory to me, anyway not for 100%. Everyone has his or her own opinion, and all have a different one. But most definitions had one common factor : dare to put yourself in a vulnerable position, know that your forte can be your weakest side.
So, being vulnerable is showing your weaker side?
Is that what I should do?
Is that something I can do?
My conclusion is: I need to change my definition of a strong woman.
What seems to make you strong is not the contrast between strong and weak, but rather to recognize your weaknesses in your strength and to be able to admit to it from time to time. You can allow yourself to be vulnerable from time to time and also may establish, at the same time, to meet challenges, choosing a path, go for it, by trial and error. Remain independent, but at the same time open to the love, the attention and the help of others.
It will not be easy, old habits die hard, but I will get there.
I can work on this.
Because I agree with this definition.
I remain a strong woman, but a strong woman who recognizes her own weaknesses and will learn to live with them.
dinsdag 17 maart 2015
My story
My story ...
Imagine, for four years you were the manager of a boutique, and you put your heart and soul into your work. You never took a day of sick (not even on those days when you really didn’t fancy getting up in the morning) and you never get complaints from colleagues. Rarely do you not reach your targets, you treat your shop as it were your home and ensure that everything goes as well as possible. The visual merchandising is perfectly followed, the customers are happy (because you do your best for them) and your End of Year and Mid-year Reviews do not lie: everything is excellent. You are doing well. But even if everything you do is perfectly right, there could still be that one misstep that could cost you your job and career. If you do something wrong, you lose your job, that's for sure. But what if you do not know why you lost your job, and suddenly all things are "wrong"?
It happened to me when I had a discussion with a colleague, L.. On Saturday, January 10th a shop was raided down the street. The police were called and came immediately and one of those officers was a handsome man. My colleague is Muslim, and her preference is to marry a man with whom she shares that belief. We were joking about how it was a pity that this handsome cop not only wore a wedding ring, but also was a Belgian, and that the chances were slim that he would be a Muslim (which would be a pity for her, because she liked the looks of him). At one point I said, "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim" (as in that case you would be better off with a Belgian, of course). She was instantly angry and told me that extreme Muslims have nothing to do with real Muslims. She was angry and thought I insulted her because of her faith, which, of course was not at all my intention. I never treated her in a racist way or hurt by her by stating that her religion is extreme, or that every Muslim is a Muslim terrorist. That is not the case. You can imagine that the atmosphere in the boutique was less jovial afterwards, and silently we have worked until the store closed.
After the weekend, on 12 January, my colleague and I saw each other again. I tried to resume the conversation from Saturday, because I wanted to resolve our dispute. Unfortunately, she had not forgotten, and she said I had called her an "extreme Muslim" and that I was indeed a racist. That hurt me. She also said that she would not leave it at that and wanted further steps to be taken. I was shocked; I wanted to talk it over with her, wanted to show her that I was anything but a racist, but she was resolute. I tried to leave it behind me for the day whilst I held an End Of Year Review meeting with another colleague until L's shift was over and she went home. However, I still had a nasty feeling, and I sent her a text message. "I'm sorry if I've offended you, that was not my intention, can we start again tomorrow?". But I think that we could not; L. did not answer and called in sick on Tuesday. On Wednesday, my day off, L. had her last day with us in the shop. I had arranged for her that she could work in Leuven at the Galleria Inno from that date.
On my day off the district manager of my boutique called me. She had had a talk with L. about the events of Saturday and also with my other colleague, C., who was at work during the incident and could hear everything. She also asked for my version of the facts and I told her about it. She asked if I was sure I had said , "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim". I said I was sad that I had said it, but that these were indeed my words. She said that we would talk about it again later and that there would be sanctions. That happened on Monday, January 19th. The store was only open for less than an hour and at a quarter to eleven the district manager came along and asked me whether I understood why she was there. To talk about the dispute I had with my colleague, of course. That was true, but she asked me if I knew why. "The consequences for me?". "Yup. What do you think that is? ". I laughed and said : you are not going to sack me do you? But that was exactly what she did!
I lost my job. A discussion with a colleague made sure she went to my chief, and for my side of the story one telephone call was enough. For my other colleague, who had seen everything, too. I asked her who had made the decision to dismiss me. Human Resources along with the Retail Manager and the CEO decided to "let you go" because of "serious offenses".
Circumstances which I personally never had the chance to clear with Human Resources or any other person for that matter. Serious offenses of which they have no information, beyond the story of the district manager. That does not seem fair, it's not fair if you know that my colleague, L. and my district manager knew each other well and have previously worked together in the store that was raided on Saturday in the same street as our boutique. It seems almost ironic. I get the idea that the DM distorted my words when she told the HR staff and superiors what had happened, and that's not a nice feeling.
Unfortunately that is not the only thing that gave me an unpleasant feeling. When they gave me my dismissal, which was final. I could not go against it or change anything. What is the formal reason for my dismissal? I asked. "Our chain does not tolerate this behaviour," but exactly what behaviour? "A store manager must adhere to ethical and moral rules." I wondered if those rules were written down somewhere in the work regulations, or in an agreement that I ever had to read and sign. That was not the case; this rule came from the European Commission in connection with ethics at work. How am I to know what is covered by these rules, or what the consequences would be if I broke the rules, and whether these effects could be so heavy that I would lose my job. It made me feel that any reason could be enough to fire someone. The facts don’t need to be verified, if someone is against you and says you have broken a rule, even if you don’t know that rule, you're on the street. I can tell you this much: a store manager can not talk about the news with colleagues (not about Muslims and Muslim terrorists, even though something drastic like the attack on Charlie Hebdo happened, one week before my discussion with a colleague). You may not share your opinion with your staff (even if you spend hours together to run a shop).
What is free speech worth?
Are colleagues and staff robots whose thoughts you may not know? I thought that knowing your staff and working with them worked so much better if you had a bond with them but that apparently that is not the case. Why should L. have the permission to tell me that because of her faith she has to marry someone with the same faith as her while her store manager can’t really know this because they are not allowed to talk about it in detail?
I am sorry that I had never taken notice of these rules. They turn out to be important, but I did not know them. I would have preferred a warning, so now I share my story with you so you can be warned. It is as bad to talk about current affairs as it is to steal from your store. I feel like a number. Completely replaceable, even after years of putting my heart and soul into my work.
My colleague, L., always said she would rather stay in Hasselt than be working in Leuven. She was initially hired to replace C. when she was on maternity leave, and said she would also be pleased to hear that C. would choose to take care for her baby (and stay home) and her job in Hasselt would be released. She and the district manager get along well, and her version of the incident was heard while for mine one phone call was enough. Why has a substitute / replacement been given a chance to explain herself further and the store manager did not get that chance? I hate to be so suspicious, but I feel like I was being "provoked" so that L. could keep on working in Hasselt. She did not discuss it with me personally, but turned to her friend, the district manager. Maybe she planned it all along and waited until I said something she could use against me and tell it insulted her. Well, she has succeeded.
Furthermore, the racism debate is a hot thing, and it reflects a certain goodwill toward a company if that company shows that they take complaints against racism seriously. They need to do that. Racism is a crime and should be dealt with. However, I do not know if that means that the accused party should be dismissed immediately, without listening to her.
They never thought about the consequences for the shop itself and for my other colleagues ; L. is gone and I'm gone. They now need to arrange everything without their manager and keep the store running with less man power. I wish them strength, because the whole situation not only seems unfair but is extremely difficult for them too.
The worst thing for me personally is that people obviously start thinking that there has to be more behind my resignation. "She must have committed a serious error, they will never sack her solely on the basis of a discussion? Maybe she IS a racist?!?. "Those thoughts cross my mind, and they hurt me. I appreciated L. very much as a colleague. I employed her and gave her a work assignment at the Inno in Leuven. I knew her hobbies and listened to stories about her family, and I listened to her as she spoke about her religion. I was never intolerant or racist before I uttered that phrase, "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim". Just be careful that you don’t give good advice to your colleagues, do not give advice, you could encounter drawbacks!!
I'm jobless now. That is not easy in Limburg: I have to compete with all the unemployed people that lost their jobs thanks to the closure of Ford Genk. I have a daughter who is studying, like so many, but no man and no brothers or sisters who can help me out here until I find work again.
That reminds me of my last tip: when they push you to sing a paper to "terminate in mutual deliberation" think twice. "Mutual deliberation" is, they fire you and you have nothing to say. There is no consultation. There is a difference between "mutual" and "one-sided". The latter means that I could not claim benefits and bad references would be given by the chain I work for. Then the choice seems easy of course, especially if you have to sign something and you have no real choice. But I lost my right to severance pay when I signed that contract. I can not claim anything during the first 4-13 weeks, as a result of it. That was not what I had been told when the district manager assured me that this (mutual agreement) was beneficial for me. I should never have believed her. Because now I have nothing. Nothing but misery, a mortgage and fixed costs that can not wait until I can afford to pay them, and a daughter who is worried about her last year at the university. Not to mention a bad reputation that I do not deserve.
All this happened even though L. would start working elsewhere anyway. All this eve, though I employed L and made sure she could stay at work permanently. I'm constantly wondering why it had to become so difficult for me. I’d never wish it on anyone.
My time at this firm is over. I'm glad that in this way my side of the story can be heard, so that you may guard yourselves against such measures. Make sure it does not happen to you, because it is unpleasant. May I add that I have enjoyed working with all my colleagues, and that some of them became more than just colleagues to me.
I'm going to miss you all
Imagine, for four years you were the manager of a boutique, and you put your heart and soul into your work. You never took a day of sick (not even on those days when you really didn’t fancy getting up in the morning) and you never get complaints from colleagues. Rarely do you not reach your targets, you treat your shop as it were your home and ensure that everything goes as well as possible. The visual merchandising is perfectly followed, the customers are happy (because you do your best for them) and your End of Year and Mid-year Reviews do not lie: everything is excellent. You are doing well. But even if everything you do is perfectly right, there could still be that one misstep that could cost you your job and career. If you do something wrong, you lose your job, that's for sure. But what if you do not know why you lost your job, and suddenly all things are "wrong"?
It happened to me when I had a discussion with a colleague, L.. On Saturday, January 10th a shop was raided down the street. The police were called and came immediately and one of those officers was a handsome man. My colleague is Muslim, and her preference is to marry a man with whom she shares that belief. We were joking about how it was a pity that this handsome cop not only wore a wedding ring, but also was a Belgian, and that the chances were slim that he would be a Muslim (which would be a pity for her, because she liked the looks of him). At one point I said, "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim" (as in that case you would be better off with a Belgian, of course). She was instantly angry and told me that extreme Muslims have nothing to do with real Muslims. She was angry and thought I insulted her because of her faith, which, of course was not at all my intention. I never treated her in a racist way or hurt by her by stating that her religion is extreme, or that every Muslim is a Muslim terrorist. That is not the case. You can imagine that the atmosphere in the boutique was less jovial afterwards, and silently we have worked until the store closed.
After the weekend, on 12 January, my colleague and I saw each other again. I tried to resume the conversation from Saturday, because I wanted to resolve our dispute. Unfortunately, she had not forgotten, and she said I had called her an "extreme Muslim" and that I was indeed a racist. That hurt me. She also said that she would not leave it at that and wanted further steps to be taken. I was shocked; I wanted to talk it over with her, wanted to show her that I was anything but a racist, but she was resolute. I tried to leave it behind me for the day whilst I held an End Of Year Review meeting with another colleague until L's shift was over and she went home. However, I still had a nasty feeling, and I sent her a text message. "I'm sorry if I've offended you, that was not my intention, can we start again tomorrow?". But I think that we could not; L. did not answer and called in sick on Tuesday. On Wednesday, my day off, L. had her last day with us in the shop. I had arranged for her that she could work in Leuven at the Galleria Inno from that date.
On my day off the district manager of my boutique called me. She had had a talk with L. about the events of Saturday and also with my other colleague, C., who was at work during the incident and could hear everything. She also asked for my version of the facts and I told her about it. She asked if I was sure I had said , "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim". I said I was sad that I had said it, but that these were indeed my words. She said that we would talk about it again later and that there would be sanctions. That happened on Monday, January 19th. The store was only open for less than an hour and at a quarter to eleven the district manager came along and asked me whether I understood why she was there. To talk about the dispute I had with my colleague, of course. That was true, but she asked me if I knew why. "The consequences for me?". "Yup. What do you think that is? ". I laughed and said : you are not going to sack me do you? But that was exactly what she did!
I lost my job. A discussion with a colleague made sure she went to my chief, and for my side of the story one telephone call was enough. For my other colleague, who had seen everything, too. I asked her who had made the decision to dismiss me. Human Resources along with the Retail Manager and the CEO decided to "let you go" because of "serious offenses".
Circumstances which I personally never had the chance to clear with Human Resources or any other person for that matter. Serious offenses of which they have no information, beyond the story of the district manager. That does not seem fair, it's not fair if you know that my colleague, L. and my district manager knew each other well and have previously worked together in the store that was raided on Saturday in the same street as our boutique. It seems almost ironic. I get the idea that the DM distorted my words when she told the HR staff and superiors what had happened, and that's not a nice feeling.
Unfortunately that is not the only thing that gave me an unpleasant feeling. When they gave me my dismissal, which was final. I could not go against it or change anything. What is the formal reason for my dismissal? I asked. "Our chain does not tolerate this behaviour," but exactly what behaviour? "A store manager must adhere to ethical and moral rules." I wondered if those rules were written down somewhere in the work regulations, or in an agreement that I ever had to read and sign. That was not the case; this rule came from the European Commission in connection with ethics at work. How am I to know what is covered by these rules, or what the consequences would be if I broke the rules, and whether these effects could be so heavy that I would lose my job. It made me feel that any reason could be enough to fire someone. The facts don’t need to be verified, if someone is against you and says you have broken a rule, even if you don’t know that rule, you're on the street. I can tell you this much: a store manager can not talk about the news with colleagues (not about Muslims and Muslim terrorists, even though something drastic like the attack on Charlie Hebdo happened, one week before my discussion with a colleague). You may not share your opinion with your staff (even if you spend hours together to run a shop).
What is free speech worth?
Are colleagues and staff robots whose thoughts you may not know? I thought that knowing your staff and working with them worked so much better if you had a bond with them but that apparently that is not the case. Why should L. have the permission to tell me that because of her faith she has to marry someone with the same faith as her while her store manager can’t really know this because they are not allowed to talk about it in detail?
I am sorry that I had never taken notice of these rules. They turn out to be important, but I did not know them. I would have preferred a warning, so now I share my story with you so you can be warned. It is as bad to talk about current affairs as it is to steal from your store. I feel like a number. Completely replaceable, even after years of putting my heart and soul into my work.
My colleague, L., always said she would rather stay in Hasselt than be working in Leuven. She was initially hired to replace C. when she was on maternity leave, and said she would also be pleased to hear that C. would choose to take care for her baby (and stay home) and her job in Hasselt would be released. She and the district manager get along well, and her version of the incident was heard while for mine one phone call was enough. Why has a substitute / replacement been given a chance to explain herself further and the store manager did not get that chance? I hate to be so suspicious, but I feel like I was being "provoked" so that L. could keep on working in Hasselt. She did not discuss it with me personally, but turned to her friend, the district manager. Maybe she planned it all along and waited until I said something she could use against me and tell it insulted her. Well, she has succeeded.
Furthermore, the racism debate is a hot thing, and it reflects a certain goodwill toward a company if that company shows that they take complaints against racism seriously. They need to do that. Racism is a crime and should be dealt with. However, I do not know if that means that the accused party should be dismissed immediately, without listening to her.
They never thought about the consequences for the shop itself and for my other colleagues ; L. is gone and I'm gone. They now need to arrange everything without their manager and keep the store running with less man power. I wish them strength, because the whole situation not only seems unfair but is extremely difficult for them too.
The worst thing for me personally is that people obviously start thinking that there has to be more behind my resignation. "She must have committed a serious error, they will never sack her solely on the basis of a discussion? Maybe she IS a racist?!?. "Those thoughts cross my mind, and they hurt me. I appreciated L. very much as a colleague. I employed her and gave her a work assignment at the Inno in Leuven. I knew her hobbies and listened to stories about her family, and I listened to her as she spoke about her religion. I was never intolerant or racist before I uttered that phrase, "beware that you don’t end up bringing home an extreme Muslim". Just be careful that you don’t give good advice to your colleagues, do not give advice, you could encounter drawbacks!!
I'm jobless now. That is not easy in Limburg: I have to compete with all the unemployed people that lost their jobs thanks to the closure of Ford Genk. I have a daughter who is studying, like so many, but no man and no brothers or sisters who can help me out here until I find work again.
That reminds me of my last tip: when they push you to sing a paper to "terminate in mutual deliberation" think twice. "Mutual deliberation" is, they fire you and you have nothing to say. There is no consultation. There is a difference between "mutual" and "one-sided". The latter means that I could not claim benefits and bad references would be given by the chain I work for. Then the choice seems easy of course, especially if you have to sign something and you have no real choice. But I lost my right to severance pay when I signed that contract. I can not claim anything during the first 4-13 weeks, as a result of it. That was not what I had been told when the district manager assured me that this (mutual agreement) was beneficial for me. I should never have believed her. Because now I have nothing. Nothing but misery, a mortgage and fixed costs that can not wait until I can afford to pay them, and a daughter who is worried about her last year at the university. Not to mention a bad reputation that I do not deserve.
All this happened even though L. would start working elsewhere anyway. All this eve, though I employed L and made sure she could stay at work permanently. I'm constantly wondering why it had to become so difficult for me. I’d never wish it on anyone.
My time at this firm is over. I'm glad that in this way my side of the story can be heard, so that you may guard yourselves against such measures. Make sure it does not happen to you, because it is unpleasant. May I add that I have enjoyed working with all my colleagues, and that some of them became more than just colleagues to me.
I'm going to miss you all
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